The veil slowly but surely being lifted...

I can't believe that it's already April! I know that I haven't blogged in awhile...again! Timing is now! Honestly, I can't tell you where exactly all of my time goes in the evenings and on the weekends. The cycle here is so continuous that it doesn't feel like there's any time to just soak everything in. Since my last blog, a lot has happened and at the same time, my life here is still the same. I've made new friends, gone on more adventures, been challenged, and had a reunion with my boyfriend, Ethan. 


As I'm here longer, I'm beginning to feel more challenged and somewhat uncomfortable, but not necessarily in a negative way. Before coming to Korea, I knew that I would face discrimination as a Korean-American and identity insecurities would arise, but I pushed those thoughts aside and decided that I would deal with them when the time came. Well, the time has come and it's harder than I thought it would be. The last time I experienced these feelings, I was surrounded by my family and could go cry on my mom's shoulder or seek a comforting embrace from my dad; however, I'm unable to do either of those right now. People get really confused when they first meet me and I receive mixed reactions. When I encounter Koreans, I'm able to carry on a basic conversation but it gets to the point where I have to tell them that I don't understand because I'm American. The reaction has been the same as they comment that I look Korean so how am I American. Their questions became pretty invasive as they ask me about my parents and assume that my parents immigrated to America, but I tell them that my parents are American as am I. They continue to press on and I usually end up telling them that I'm adopted which creates a somewhat uncomfortable pause as it registers in their mind. I wish I could be the type of person to just brush off these instances but I'm not like that; they always remain with me and I suppose they've been building up. It's not something I really enjoy talking about because no one can do anything about it and it's harder to verbalize these thoughts and feelings so I simply write about it as I'm doing now. I don't mean for this to sound as a complaint or to sound distressed; it's simply my way of releasing these pent-up emotions. It can be challenging at work, too, because I can't tell if my boss views me as a foreigner or as a Korean. 


I'm proud to be a Korean adoptee but straddling both worlds shakes me and throws off my footing sometimes. It's like being on a balance beam; I remember doing the balance beam when I was in gymnastics and it was always the hardest area. You'd start off on the lower and wider balance beam but as you practiced more, they'd move you to the higher and thinner one. On the lower one, you didn't have to worry about falling off because you could walk all the way across without fear of falling or tripping. Then once you moved to the thinner one, this constant feeling of caution followed your every step across the balance beam. If you faltered a little bit, it could mean a tumble off the beam and you'd have to get up and start all over again. On my wide balance beam in life, my parents were always by my side physically so that if I ever did stumble, they were there instantly to shower me with unconditional love and support. They are still in my heart and are always with me in spirit. However, I am now on my thinner balance beam of life living on my own in Korea where if I fall down, I will be challenged to pick myself up. I'd like to think I'm up to the challenge. It'll strengthen my character and I'm determined to not stay down. No matter how many times I fall, I'll always stand up. Why? Because it's my choice. 


On a happier note, I've made some new friends! You'll see them in some of the pictures! Little by little, I'm meeting more Korean friends and though the language barrier is there, it doesn't hinder our friendships from progressing. It just means we use our dictionaries and actions a lot more! I'm helping one friend, Kye-ul (meaning winter), study English and the other 2 friends - Jina and Duhwan - are taking classes at an English academy. Jina works at the And the twelve cafe and Gayeon introduced us. Duhwan is Jina's boyfriend and they're both friendly and fun people! We went to noraebang last night and I was amazed! I really thought they were professionals! I could have stayed there longer and just listen to them sing; melodic voices and light-up tambourines. What more could I ask for? ^^


My classes are going pretty well and they're not a walk through the park but I'm learning just as much as the kids are. Since my kids have a basic level or are learning English for the first time, some days are tough for both of us. I know that they're tired and they just want to have fun some days and as much as I'd like to just play with them and let them talk about anything, our schedule isn't always flexible enough to do that. Sometimes I forget how young they still are; they're about Myles's age and when I try to imagine Myles sitting through a 40 minute class, I laugh because I don't think he'd be able to do it without getting up and jumping around. 


I'm sorry that this post was more negative than my other ones but my outlet is writing and I've had writer's block for quite some time now, but today it lifted a bit. 

I took the following pictures at a cafe that I went to with Kyu-sik and Kyeo-ul

These next pictures are from Ethan's second visit^^

Neighborhood pictures~

Weekend in Seoul with Rachel~